Secrets
I recently watched a fine movie about two young people who met at a cruise ship. The young woman is a by-the-book kind of lady and makes sure she has an itinerary before she proceeds in her day. The guy is a shoot-by-the-hip kind of guy and likes to take spur of the moment decisions. But despite this incompatibility, they can’t explain why they like each other. As it turned out, they also have something in common. The reason the young lady was alone in that cruise ship was because she ran away from her wedding. The cruise was supposed to be a part of her honeymoon but she discovered on her wedding day that the guy she was marrying got another woman pregnant (the woman came to the wedding pleading the guy to take responsibility for his child). The young guy also had a secret. He was there alone on the cruise because he wants to enjoy life to the fullest before he dies. He recently discovered that he might not live for long because of a serious illness.
Their relationship blossomed but it almost ended when they discovered each other’s secret. I think because of timing. The young lady told the guy right away when she realized that she was falling for the guy. But the guy withheld the truth until he couldn’t hide his condition. She felt sorry for the guy but also felt betrayed because the guy let her fall in love with him. But in the end, she found that she have enough love for him to forgive him and decided to marry him. They lived a happy life and was blessed with a son, but the death of the man, although expected made me question how this story relates in real life. How many men would have kept the secret until they are married? How many women would have ended the relationship upon knowing the guy’s predicament?
The woman who was a rape victim. The reformed drug addict. The repentant woman who committed abortion. The unrepentant guy who convinced her to do it. The woman who’s first marriage was annulled but wants to marry her boyfriend without telling him she was married before. The guy with a serious family history of Down syndrome. These are real situations of real people that I either read about or know personally. Who among them should divulge their secrets before their marriages? What kinds of secrets are we suppose to reveal to our potential spouse? Can we keep the ones that we think would not affect our relationship?
I commented on a blog before that relationships must be founded on honesty, or it will sooner or later crumble. I can just imagine the utter difficulty on the bearer of the secret to expose it for fear that the other will end the relationship. But I believe that it will be harder for him or her to carry this load during their marriage.
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (5:14 am)
Interesting. I agree with what you're saying, but I think this is an issue of "easier said than done."
I think everyone's got *something* that they haven't told. It may not be anything major, or anything that could damage a relationship, but I think that everyone's got some secret that's better kept...
posted by: Deanna (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (6:07 am)
Jenn makes a good point. I think all secrets should be let out in the open from the beginning but it is easier said than done. Knowing the person that I am I know I let everything out in the open when I met my husband. I think it all depends on the person and how open/comfortable they feel with their significant other.
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (6:53 am)
Reply to: jennjr
This is definitely an easier-said-than-done case, and a very sensitive issue at that. I have delayed posting this because of those reasons, but I think this needs to be discussed.
It is my conviction that marriages will have a better chance of success if only engaged people discuss things that may affect their impending union. The cases I sited on the post are extreme enough that I think it is crucial for the involved parties to discuss them.
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (6:58 am)
Reply to: theseeker
Now, with the cases in your post, yes. I agree 100%. And to that end, if you can't talk to the person you're committing to for the rest of your life; if you can't trust them enough...you probably should reconsider the committment...I agree with you there.
There are some things that must be shared. But I still contend that everyone's got secrets, and that it's good to keep one or two...
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (7:10 am)
Reply to: Deanna
I think your experience reinforces the importance of timing. When two people are dating, I think its still ok to keep sensitive matters privy from each other. But when they decide to get engaged, I think its the perfect time to let the other know of things in your past that might affect your (future) marriage.
Let's take a specific example. I would never marry a woman (God forbid I get divorced) who thinks she has a right to kill a child through abortion. I don't want to spark an abortion debate here. The main point I'm trying to make is that when two people decide to marry each other, I think they should ensure that their values are aligned. This, I believe, will give them a great chance of having a happy and fulfilling marriage.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (7:16 am)
I've learned through experience that some skeletons are better left in the closet! I'm not advocating secrecy or even dishonesty but one has to be very careful in deciphering if revealing a certain thing has any bearing on the relationship. For example, I do think a woman should admit to being a prostitute, but don't think she should admit to an error in judgement such as a one time, one-night stand. Some things are better left unsaid.
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (9:10 am)
Reply to: jennjr
I actually agree with you that not all secrets need to be revealed. And I do have some of my own :)
We just need to be careful not to jeopardize our relationship when deciding what to divulge and what to withhold.
I learn a lot from this open discussions, one of the reasons I chose blogging over keeping a journal :)
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (9:26 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
You cited two great examples there and I agree with you in both cases.
I wonder though if the woman is a reformed prostitute, meaning she had repented from that sin, does it benefit her to still inform the guy she is marrying or can she keep this secret with a clear conscience?
The reason I ask is because I did not tell my wife that I used to be addicted to gambling when I was younger. I thought at the time (before we wed) that I completely got over that addiction and was mature enough to control myself from gambling again, so there was no need in telling her. Another reason was the fear that she might end our engagement if she knew of that part of my past. I was proven wrong on both reasons. During the rough and early part of our marriage, that ugly beast reared its head again. I thank God for giving my wife the grace to forgive me and sticking with me. I also thank Him for the healing I received to overcome (I continue to overcome it, of course with His grace) this affliction.
I guess I made this post because of what I learned from that experience.
posted by: mnash (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (9:30 am)
It may have to do with timing and how deep the relationship is going. Totally situational.
I'm back!
posted by: xinnia (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (9:57 am)
I would say at engagement time you should tell the things from your past that could come back up again in the future. One of those "i'd rather he hear from me than someone else" scenarios. We let ourselves be held back by fear so much of the time. but sometimes we need to suck it up and G.O.I.
posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (10:34 am)
Reply to: theseeker
I love the discussions and the commonality of blogging as well.
It seems, after reading your comment thread that we're all in agreement here...honesty is key, but some secrets are best kept.
GREAT topic, by the way.
posted by: Deanna (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (11:18 am)
Reply to: theseeker
Very true. I think it also comes along the line of not marrying someone who doesn't have the same beliefs as you. When you do have children you don't want to argue about which religion they will raised with.
Ok, so I guess by the time you get engaged would be the perfect point. You don't want to marry someone who you wanted to have tons of kids with to find out the other can't ever have kids. You make a good point.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 07.13.05 (6:31 pm)
Reply to: theseeker
When you truly love someone it's very easy to forgive, especially when that person comes to you and confesses something like that. Your addiction and recovery helped make you who you are. I'm sure you would have been just as understanding with your wife, right?
This was a great post and a real 'thinker', thanks for that :)
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.14.05 (5:37 am)
Reply to: mnash
Honesty, timing, and situational are the operational words here.
Glad you're back, looking forward to your updates.
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.14.05 (5:43 am)
Reply to: xinnia
I agree, fear is a big deterrent to honesty. Pride too.
posted by: danggi (reply)
post date: 07.15.05 (2:43 am)
I sincerely believe that nobody is totally open to another person. Nobody can claim that he is not hiding a secret or two to anybody. There are some things that we can tell our spouse but we cannot tell our friends or vice versa.
By the way, is this a Filipino movie? : ) I believe so. : )
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.15.05 (9:20 am)
Reply to: danggi
Indeed. But the key is to judge properly whether to reveal a secret or not, and when. We need to ask why are we hiding it in the first place. Is it because of fear or pride? Overcoming those two is vital to growth of any person or relationship.
Reminds me also of Gods love for us, whose love never diminishes despite knowing *all* our secrets.
Yes, that is a Filipino movie - All My Life :)
posted by: TheBishop (reply)
post date: 07.15.05 (12:55 pm)
i totally agree. i have no qualms with my groom on this. in fact, he probably wishes i wouldn't be so honest.
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.15.05 (6:02 pm)
Reply to: TheBishop
I'm also one that rather not keep secrets of my own. The ironic thing is I'm good at keeping secrets of others, that's why many feel comfortable in confiding in me.
I hope your husband learns to appreciate your openness to him :)
posted by: danggi (reply)
post date: 07.15.05 (10:37 pm)
Reply to: theseeker
Sometimes it is because of our fear of not being accepted and of being judged. I agree that the timing is the key here.
God's love is the greatest. It is unconditional. I wonder why we can't love the way God does.
I kindda like that movie. I'm not really fond of watching Filipino movies but I enjoyed that one. : )
posted by: eka00 (reply)
post date: 07.18.05 (3:44 am)
Very thought provoking entry, this one, Seeker.
My philosophy is, for as long as it doesn't interfer with me and my partners happiness, whether it be in the form of family secrets, or past history; its gotta come out.
I don't believe in keeping secrets from my spouse, neither does he. So he knows everything about me that I know about me and vice versa.
It really is that easy, if you value the relationship more, secrets will actually bring you closer.... but it has to be mutual.
My two cents, :)
posted by: theseeker (reply)
post date: 07.18.05 (7:00 am)
Reply to: eka00
It takes a great amount of courage to expose one's self to another. I think we ought to assess how committed the other person is to the relationship before we reveal our secrets. The benefit I think will be enormous for we will be building trust with one another. On the other hand, we will feel very vulnerable if the relationship is broken.
Wait a second, you said spouse. Did you just get married? Shoot me a tmail will you :)
posted by: eka00 (reply)
post date: 08.06.05 (12:21 am)
Yeah, I said spouse, hehehe... and you're very observant.
We're getting married in 2007 and you can bet I won't tie the knot without first letting you know, my friend, God willing. It's a promise. :)
